Been a while

I know it's been a very long time since I've written anything. First off- I apologize if i misspell anything. I have a sprained finger and can barley type. Lucky me right? haha! Anyway, I'm only writting because I need to vent. You don't have to read if you don't want to. I'm sure alot of you are sick and tired of hearing my "sob stories" and that's fine. But for right now, I really need to just let everything out.
First thing- GO UTAH!!!!! I hope Utah kicks some BYU butt!!
Now for everything else. For those of you who have been wondering - Yes I have a boyfrieind. his name is Andy and we've been dating for about a month and I'm absolutly happy! I feel as if I havn't been this happy since i was with Scott. He's been a wonderful thing for me and i'm not about to let him go. it's hard though because we get talking about california and how i'm moving and i just want to break down and cry because i've fallen for him so hard and so fast that i'm scared of losing him. He's absolutly amazing. My parents on the other hand, don't really approve and it's hard.
my relationship with my parents i HORRIBLE! i can't even begin to explain to you what has been going on with my parents this past couple of months. i never thought that someones relationship with their parents could really get this bad. well i'm the lucky star who no longer has a relationship with her parents. they hate her, call her a bitch, tell her they're disappointed in her and don't trust her. we get in fights for no reason and over the littlest things. i've been looking for places to move because i can't handle this anymore. i can't tell you the last time i DIDN'T cry myself to sleep or throw things against the wall, pull out my hair, rip things apart, and just not cared. most of you won't understand. you'll probably think that things are fine and i'm just being stupid etc. but i'm not. honstly i do not have a relationship with my parents anymore. kristin and samir know almost everything that's been going on because they're about the only ones who seem to care. so thank you kristin and samir !
work has been pretty crazy. that's all i do is work. i work 5 -10 hour days and 1-5 hour day. it's crazy. the pay checks are good but i'm slowly getting worn down and not being able to hold myself up. my eyes are puffy from crying and not sleeping, my body hurts from being so stressed and it's always cold in the office. i hate the cold. things will soon slow down hopefully when i go part time. thank goodness.
friends. hahah well as far as friends go. i hung out with brady and anthony the other night. wow have i missed both of them. i had so much fun and we just talked and laughed and went to bradys house and watch tv and just had fun. i love them both so much. brady looked so cute with his puffy cheeks hahaha. lovely. hahaha. i talk to kristin everyday. she's still my best friend and i love her more then anybody and anything right now! i talk to samir once in a while. i do owe him an apology though. samir i am so sorry for not contacting you these past few days and i bailed out on our movie night. but it's NOT been a good week. parent stuff and so i've just kind of shut myself out. but i love you and i'm sorry. jocelyn girl. i freaking miss you to death and i would like to see you soon when you're not busy. heather, wow i've been hanging out with her lately and she's helped me sooo much these past few days and she's always there for me. and she gives me really good advice on what i should do and how i should handle things and just knows how to put a smile on my face! thanks love!
THEN there are the friends who can pretty much kiss my ass. you know those kind of friends who sit there and say they're your best friend and they'd never do anything to hurt you and pretend to actually care about you...well to your face, and then turn around and go pull shitty stunts behind your back and ask everybody to keep it hush hush from you? well let me explain- about a month ago, i found out that a good friend of mine who i called my best friend for a while and i've been good friends with them for many many years now, went behind my back and made out with an ex boyfriend of mine who i was in love with. she knew i was in love with him and she was there for me and knew how upset i was and how much i was hurting when we broke up. she was a wonderful friend at the time. buuuut after we broke up, we went and made out with him, pretty much ALL SUMMER LONG. wtf? what kind of friend does that? i swore to myself i would never get mad at them for "hooking up" with a boy whom i've had interest in. but since i did call her my best friend and i was in LOVE with him, this just took it too far. i would never in a million years ever ever ever think of kissing, hanging out alone etc. with a boy whom she was in love with. i am very disappointed in her and am tired of a bunch of bull shit that's gone on, so i'm sticking up for myself and not letting it happen again. so thank you for hurting me these past few weeks for all the crappy stunts you've pulled. i appreciate it.
christmas time. well it's going to suck. i'm spending christmas by myself. my family including my grandmas are going to california for christmas and i'm stuck at home by myself because i have to work the next 2 days after christmas. it really sucks and i can't help but cry about it because christmas is the time you're supposed to spend with your family. i've been invited to the hillam house for christmas and think i may take them up on that offer. it sounds fun so thank you hillam family for the offer.
I'm done spilling my guts for now.

one last shout out:
GO UTES!


peace

Deleting Blog?

I'm thinking of deleting my blog, I really have nothing to blog about, nobody ever comments or probably reads them. All I have to talk about is stupid pointless things which no ene ever cares about. I've tried to reach out for help through this, buuuut nothing good has come out of it. I never have time to blog anyway. So, this may be my last post for a while, and after a week, it'll probably be deleted.

Lately, I've been really happy! Things tend not to bother me, I've decided I am going to move to Cali as soon as I can and get away and try something new and could be wonderful, and if I don't like it, I know I'll always have a place to come home to, and wonderful people who care about me! I've been running alot too, I decided I need to get myself back into shape since I won't be playing sports for a while..well probably never again. Pretty sad, unless I can find some softball club team in Cali. I've sang more then I have in a long time, and I love it, I absolutly have missed it! I had the chance to see Ali, Kenzie and Maxwell who I have missed soooo much! I've spent this whole week at home just rejuvinating and having time for myself and finally getting some sleep! Life is pretty good!

I've realized, people do change, and there are some things and people who you think wouldn't pull stupid stunts, and well, news flash Alex, they do. Even best friends! I know we're all getting to the point where we're going to start hanging out with the opposite sex and sooner or later we are going to be spending more time with our "partner" per say, then our friends. But there comes a time, where you don't ditch your friends. If you have made plans with them earlier in the day, you don't ditch them for a boy or a girl. That's just ...rude. And it hurts. If you've made plans with that "boy or girl", and then ask your best friend to hang out, don't do it!!! You'll eventually ditch your best friend anyway for the opposite sex. I love how they always say "you know you were invited to hang out with us", but I'm not going to be three wheeling it. Awkward and boring, and you can always tell when you're really not welcome. It's funny, this "best friend'' of mine, I have NEVER EVER EVER and never will ditch her for a boy. I know how it feels so I've sworn to myself to not do it. If I had a boy who wanted to hang out, and I had plans with her, I'd hang out with her, not him, but her, and then later on, if we had nothing to do, I would suggest to her if she wanted to hang out with them, but I would take her with, not just leave her in the dust! It sure is a wonderful feeling to be left in the dust, wouldn't you agree for those who have experienced this!? From all of this, and this putting the cherry on top of the whipping cream on my sunday, I'm done catering to people and I'm not going to fool myself and be so "forgiving" to people who don't have the same respect. So, all I have to say is Thanks so much for ditching me, and putting me in 2nd place when you'll always be in 1st place.

Can I just say that I love Brady to death!? He's always been there for me through everything and he's the one person that I can always count on, and we could just sit around for hours, not do anything and never run out of conversation and we can joke around and throw things at each other, just sit there and sing random songs and have a great time! He really truly is a wonderful friend and I love that kid to death. I know he's the one person I am really going to miss the most when I move to Cali and he goes off on his mission. I plan on writing him every day of his mission. Bahhhahaha good luck Alex. I had the chance to see Samir tonight as well, Gah how I have missed him! I am so glad he is feeling better and is able to hang out with us again!

Ohhhh You have to hear this story, So my mom works this this guy, who has a daughter who is a few years older then I am and is married. She wasn't feeling well one day and decided to go to the doctors and get checked out. The doctor told her she had herpes. Gross I know, wait it gets better. The doctor said it was a special kind of herpes that you can only get from dead people, she didn't understand why because she hates dead people and has nothing to do with them. Wellll guess what, Her husband is a Mortician who has been having sex with dead people in his "spare time" and got the herpes from them, and gave it to her. HOW SICK IS THAT?!?!?! Baaaahahahha I just laughed when I heard it , but I was completly grossed out! Who in their right mind would have the nerve to do something like that?! It's just sick and wrong people!!!! Bleh!

Rosie girl, I freaking miss you! We need to play more often! And I agree, we need to have another cry/talking fest in a car!!!
Anyway, I am off to bed. I'll think about keeping my blog up if I ever get around to it. If not, this is the last pathetic post. Goodnight everyone and have a wonderful weekend! Peace!

Something I thought I could Handle

Last night, I was driving home with my dad and started thinking about things and I just started bawling. At first I didn't know why and then I realized that I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore! I had this huge dream about going and becoming a Mortician and moving to Cali and having it be everything I wanted. As I look back and think about things in depth, I realized that I'm sort of being pushed down from my dreams. People always say to me, "Alex, are you sure this is what you want to do? Are you sure you're going to be able to handle this, Is this really what you want to do?" and "You know if you need help etc. We're not always going to be here for you, You can't rely on us for everything". I'm not asking you for help in anyway, from anybody, I'm not saying that I am going to rely on you for everything when I move. I'm not asking you for ANYTHING!!!! Do people really not get that? Yes, being a mortician is something that I really actually want to do, it's interesting and is very rewarding. Why is it that people don't think that a girl like me can handle something like this? Am I not a strong enough person, am I not smart enough in the subject that I'll have to major in to become this? I just don't get it! I cried for about an hour yesterday just spilling everything to my Father, who, bless his soul, doesn't really know how to handle girl problems or anything of the sort when we have our little "break downs". I then just started ranting and raving about all my problems to him as he sat there quietly. As I was blabbering away, I mentioned to him about the little email Scott had wrote me two weeks ago and how it's affected my life in a huge way and I feel as if I'm lost and have no control over anything and it's made me feel as if I'm not good enough for anybody and how the things he said was unnecessary and very hurtful. My dad got really upset and felt horrible for me, he never liked Scott in the first place anyway. Then I had told him how I do love Scott and how when we were around each other it was blantly obvious that I did and he totally agreed with me, I just never mentioned it to him!

We then started talking about School again and me moving. My dad is behind me 100% on anything that I decide to do. I guess I just feel like a complete loser for not going to school now. I hear and see all my friends going to college and talking about all the great times they're having and all the awesome new people they're meeting, and then there's me who just works 24/7 and doesn't do anything else but and has no time for herself! Am I a loser for not going to schoool here when I had the chance? I realize that I have a dream and I know what I want in life, but really, honestly is it what I want? Am I smart enough to achieve this dream of mine? Do I really want to move to Cali, or is it an excuse just to get out of the house and away from all my problems and start a new life? I have no clue what it is running through my head and all my emotions are mixed together and and my head won't stop spinning. I've been having these second thoughts for about a month now and it scares me. What if I do something I regret and ...can't go back? Gah.

Work is another problem. That's all I do with my life is work, because I'm working towards this so called "dream" of mine. I work about 45 hours a week believe it or not, and work more then anybody else here! I am going to have a little chat with my boss on tuesday and tell her that I need at least 1 day where I can work a half a day or have it off. I'm so stressed that I can't even eat breakfast or lunch anymore, and then I get sick because I'm not eating and all this other crap. Let me just say, I feel as if my world is falling apart completely!

Sorry for blabbing about all my troubles. I just need to vent and maybe possibly have some "calming" words spoken to me and a little help. So Thank you! Peace!

The Epic Weekend

I had the most epic weekend I've had in a long time! Friday, you all heard about my date which was absolutly amazing! I had so much fun and realized alot of things about the past. I had missed Bryce like crazy but never really noticed until I saw him. He's hilarious and so easy to talk to and be around.
Saturday, I went to work. Scariest part of my weekend. I felt as if my life was on the line. I got a random call and they wouldn't tell me who they were and told me a bunch of stuff and kind of freaked me out. They told me that some guys would possibly be coming in and trying to get money out of his wifes account (which he's not on, so it's illegal for him to get money out of her account with out authorization), and would do ANYTHING in his power to get it. Knowing that someone would seriously try anything to get money, is kind of threatening. I was freaking out and crying and shaking like no other. I couldn't stop, I had a hard time breath. I was scared to death. Everytime I would hear the door open or see a man walking down the hallway, I would tense up and get a sick feeling in my stomach. Luckily he never came in! Thank goodness! Then I get a call from my boss saying that the Alarm was going off and I had to go back and check on it...uhhh HELLO after the experience I had I don't think so! Well I went back anyway and it was just a "setting error". Stupid stupid stupid.
Then, later that night I went and played dodgeball with all my friends- not going to lie, I'm really sore today. My shoulder kills. Hahaha. It was so fun though, I had a blast and Looooove that game! Then Kristin and I decided to just go on a drive and talk about alot of stuff that's been going on lately. I then remember looking at Facebook and seeing all these pictures of the events that people have been doing this past week....I turned to Kristin and asked if she'd been invited to any of these activities and she said No. We both were a little irritated because we don't get invited to anything anymore. We realize that we both work alot and Kristin has school on top of it, and I'm in the proccess of looking for another job, but not getting invited to things even though they know we're busy is just crap. We always invite people when we do things and am always calling people to see what they're doing, but they either don't answer or not doing anything. The days they are doing things, they don't even think about contacting either of us. Have we done something wrong, offended anyone, not good enough to hang out with you people? What's the deal her because it kinda sucks knowing that we're about the only ones not getting invited to things. A little explination here would be nice maybe?!

Anyway, so as we were driving around, I got a phone call from Bryce and his friend Jay. They wanted us to come over and hang out with them in Ogden. It sounded kinda fun so we took a drive down there and hung out with them for a while! Ohhhh my, It was very interesting and kind of ..awkward for both of us. I still feel bad for Kristin and I've apologized so many times. Hahaha I kinda brought her into an environment that neither of us needed to be in, but we had NO IDEA it was going to be like that. We still ended up having a lot of fun sitting by the fire and talking to the guys. We left their place and came back to mine and stayed up for an hour about watching random TV shows and laughing our heads off because we were so tired but so hyper. It was about 2:30 and we decided to go to bed. We woke up the next morning and both moaned because we did not want to wake up.....soooo we didnt. hahaha It was hilarious and everything we said in the morning made no sense what so ever.
Thank you so much baby for a fabulous weekend!! It was totally epic and we have plaaaans for our future events hhahahahahahahahahahaha (you know what I mean). Oh goodness.

Anyway, I'm still kind of hung up on the whole "we not getting invited" thing. Eh, whatever I just kind of see it as BS. So thanks everyone!

I was beyond nervous

for my date last night. I mean, seeing someone who you had a "fling" with two years ago, having things end in an awkward manner, not seeing them for two years and finally deciding to meet up is kind of scary. Or is it just me? Bryce and I met at a party one night and we ended up having an intrest in each other for quite some time. Then things ended on a bad note. I wasn't devistated at all. I would avoid him at all costs and lie to him so I wouldn't have to hang out with him. For these past couple of months, Bryce and I have been texting and calling each other and catching up on old times. We decided last week that we would meet up this Friday and go on a date. So we did. I never realized how much I actually missed him. Yes, we are just friends now and nothing more. Nothing will ever become more of us because we are two different people now, but have decided to stay really good friends. It was so nice to see him and just be able to catch up and talk about what happend between us and get a full understanding of how the other feels. Getting connected with someone who you used to be so close to and then fell apart can be a pretty amazing experience. Although I will admit, I was freaking out before our little meet up. I text Samir and Brady and asked Anthony on facebook, if they were to of had a "fling" with me two years ago, and havn't seen me since, would they be disappointed in the way I turned out? Would they of thought that I turned out for the good or the bad? Suprisingly, all of them said they wouldn't be disappointed, which was a relief. Brady made me cry with the things that he said because they were so sweet and at the moment, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Sounds pathetic I know. I talked to Kristin telling her how I felt as if my stomach was going to explode because I had the butterflies like crazy. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't think straight, I danced around all night as if I had ants crawling all over my body. Haha it was pretty funny.

On our date, we went to the Planiterium (spelling?). It was pretty awesome- Strange, but awesome. We laughed pretty much the whole night, and then we were trying to decide what to do next, buuut wouldn't figure out anything so we just went back to my house. We watched a couple of videos on YouTube, joked around and listened to music. It was the cutest thing- a "romantic" song- as you will - came on my Itunes and he walked out into the middle of the floor, taking my hand and we slow danced to the song..well only for about a minute because we both realized how cheesy it was. To be honest, I enjoyed it. I've never had someone do that with me before and it was pretty darn cute. He left my house around 1:30 and I ended up going to sleep. It was an awesome night, alot better then what I had expected.

So I'm sitting here at work. By myself. It's pretty boring. I came here with the intentions of writing this long blog because I had so much to talk about. My mind has gone blank. Plans for tonight? Well there are none. Everybody seems to be going to the Utes game, which I am excited for all of them to go to, and I hope we kick the trash out of UNLV. They don't deserve to win. So anyway, if you don't have plans tonight, let me know and I'll hit you up and we can playyy!? If I don't have plans tonight, I should actually stay home and clean up the house and my ROOM!! It's a disaster I must say, which is unusal because My room is a pretty clean place most of the time. I am just never home anymore to keep it that way. Bleeeeh. If you want to play though, You should still hit me up!
Wait Wait Wait.....there is one thing I am doing tonight which I am SOOOO EXCITED FOR!!!
SLEEP OVER WITH BESTIE!!!!!!!!!! I have so much to tell her!!! Oh my goodness! Hahaha

Oh, so yesterday while I was at work, this doctor came in and started asking me questions about all my peace signs that I wear. Then she asked me if I was voting for Obama..uuhhh, first off I hate talking politics with people because they sit there and judge you for who you're voting for, it turns out to be a huge argument between the two if you're not voting for the same person and it's not something I believe your own personal opinion should be kept to yourself. I'll be honest, I havn't done much research on either sides, but I will eventually. I kind of have an Idea of who I would like to vote for and I have my many reasons for doing so. There's just a few things about the other Canidate that drives me insane and makes me believe that he has no respect for our Country. Anyway, This doctor kept rambling on about how Obama is the best canidate for this reason and that reason, and just kept going on and on and on. She made me feel like a freaking loser because I am leaning more towards Mccain. I finally told her that I don't feel like discussing politics because it's none of her buisness who I am voting for and my reasons of doing so. If you feel like asking who I am voting for- warning, You'll get the same response as she did. I'm not going to tell you and discuss it with you. I will admit, I love Anthony's idea of having Godzilla as our president..baaahhahahah just kidding.

Well that's all for now. I have to get back to work. Love you. Peace

A Perfect Two Thumbs Up!

No Idea why that is going to be the title for this blog, but it is. Last night Kristin and I went out to dinner and every sentence ended with "a perfect two thumbs up", or something close to that. Ha, it was pretty funny. We talked about alot of things and caught up on these past few weeks since we havn't seen each other for about that long. She made me this amazingly awesome bracelt that I absolutly looooove! Thanks baby, I love you most no battle -Suuuuucka face *squirmy dance*. Bahhhahaha
I went to California this weekend and had an amazing time. I helped my cousins do alot of stuff to their new house and went swimming in their poool and drove around in downtown LA. I saw Batman and Barney-Bahhhhahahaha yes they just walk around the streets there- no joke. I sent a picture to a few of you who witnessed my Barney seeing, so I'm not making this up. I had the chance to see Wicked again. Favorite and Best musical of allllll time! That was my 3rd time seeing now and still not sick of it! We went shopping the day that we came home and I found me some Bright orange Neon converse. Pretty much the tightest convers ever. You have to see them!

It was nice to get away. I had the chance to clear my head and get away from having a sick stomach and not being happy and having tears just flow and flow and flow all down my face. I did something stupid last week that I shouldn't have. I deleted the last blog I wrote because it offended certain people and they yelled at me.....and because of it, I am no longer a part of their life. At all. Yes I'm torn apart because of it, but it was their decision and I can't do anything to stop it. The day they told me that they didn't want me apart of their life, I locked myself in my room after I got home from work, cried my eyes out for hours upon hours, didn't say a word to a single soul besides Kristin because she called me to make sure I was ok - Thanks again love. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I just sat there curled up in my orange blanket and cried. Ugh, I still cry over it because I feel so empty inside as if there is nothing inside of me and I don't even feel or hear my own heart beating. I realized how stupid and retarded I am for writing that. I just want to smack myself in the face. Losing a relationship that was so important to me, is hard. I'm filled with sorrw and filled with pain, knowing that I am to blame. He decided to walk away, leaving me with the price to pay. All I can say now is I'm sorry.

In just an hour, I am going to Dye my hair. I'm putting blonde back in it. I'll take pictures and post them. I'm soo nervous but soo excited for something new! I need a new change! I have to pee. Just thought I'd share! So I'm going on a date this friday with an old friend named Bryce. We've been friends for two years and had a little "fling" I guess you can call it. I'm exciiiited! It will be nice to be reunited with an old friend! Bah. Well I'm gonna go pee now. Peeeeace!

The Bees Game

Oh my, it was the Highlight of my week! I was really happy I was able to go. Brady called me up on friday night and asked me if I could go, and at first I had to tell him no because I was supposed to pick my parents up at the airport on Saturday night. Well I called up my mom and asked if I could go, and she said yes. So I called Brady back and we ended up going. BAhhahahahaha those little things they call "thunder sticks" that make the loud noise when you bang them together- well brady and I should not be allowed to have those. We didn't stop hitting each other All night long. Haha the people around us were getting pretty annoyed but we obviously didn't care. Then again, I don't care what people think at all. I think I won the battle though, Brady kinda slacked off a little bit. Though when I kept smacking him in the face, he ended up Wet wiping me...........ugggghhh it was disgusting haha. We tried getting Dip n' Dots for free..that didn't work out too well, but boy were they good. Oh, we also had free dinner. It was nice haha. So thanks for last night Brady, I had a blast!!! PS----We should go to Bear lake the weekend of the 12th and 13th hahaha .
Anyway, My parents got home from Cali last night, they had an amazing time and I did miss them. They bought me a Dodgers sweatshirt and all this Peace stuff etc. It's pretty tight, I am glad to have them home though.
I havn't seen much of Kristin this week, and now she starts school...hmm. I don't like it. I miss her, and I have something for her, but since she's starting school tomorrow I'm not sure how often I'll actually get to see her. :(
Rosie- I hope you had a good birthday baby!! And I do hope to hear all about NY one day. Love you!
Ali and Mckenzie- Expect a visit from me and possibly Kristin sometime soooon , we both miss you sooooooo much!!! We need to see your darling faces! Love you girls!
Jocelyn baby girl- where are you!?!?! It's been like a month since I've seen you and that's not acceptable! Call me love because I miss your face!!!
Anyway, that's the highlight of my weekend. It was..a pretty uneventful week besides I was at the IHC for who knows how long becaues I had a Major ear ache. I cried pretty much all day. Oh well, it's all better now!
Love you all! Peace

This crazy feeling

is coming over me. The other day at a certain event, I was hanging out with my friends and I had this feeling of jealousy? As I sit there and tell everybody "I don't", I think I do. I'm not ready to admit what it is, sooner or later I will. I just need to double check if this feeling is true or not. It's crazy, I absolutly love this feeling but I'm afraid of the outcome of it. I guess we'll just see what happens! These past few weeks have been nothing but Hell for me. There has only been a few people who have been able to put a smile on my face, make me laugh and finally be happy! Finally, since monday night, I've pushed aside my feelings and have been myself. Ahh how I've missed it. Yes I've still had my breakdowns and the feeling of my stomach falling out of my butt, but it hasn't nearly been as bad as it was. I said goodbye to one, I don't regret it. The only sad part about it, that one hasn't cared at all. I guess that's the choice it chose. As for Scott, well I've just decided that apparently his life is better without me in it, and mine without him. I'm getting over him and I can't WAIT for the day that I can call him and say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you!"

So Brady made me this new CD, oh my gosh, best CD ever!! It consists of the Jo Bros, The Spill Canvas, Miley Cyrus, Motion city Soundtrack, Toby Keith and alot more!! It also has pictures on it of me and Brady! They're soooo cute! He's my best guy friend and I wouldn't trade him for the world! He has done so much for me lately, I wish that there was a way that I could repay him back for it, but if I did, it would take me a very long time! All I can say is Thanks for everything you've done for me Brady, You're my best friend, and I love you with all my heart!

It's weird to think that everybody is.....gone? All of our friends who are going to college somewhere that's not in SLC has moved on. It's strange not to be with our friends, all of them. I miss alot of them alright such as Kenz and Ali! Ps- Kenzie and Ali, Kristin and I will be coming to visit you very very soon, so make room for us! haha and Ali, I hope you're feeling better hun!

So today at work, I smashed my fingers in a metal cubbard. It did not feel good and my finger is all swollen and bloody and nasty and I can't move it. I started crying and I felt pathetic because there were memebers outside waiting for me to help them and I couldn't because I was crying and I had blood running down my fingers. It's feeling a little better now- thank goodness!
Well I'm off to listen to my CD some more and possibly eat food? hahahaha Peace!

Saying goodbye

Is what I need to do. Is what I am going to do. I got sick to my stomach just thinking about it earlier and had a panic attack. I didn't end up doing it. I thought I wouldn't be myself after I've said it. In the next few minutes, I will be saying goodbye to one. It's something I need to do. It won't be easy that's for sure, but hopefully it will make things a little better. Who knows how long it will be before I return, could be months......or possibly never. You probably have alot of questions, but to be honest, I can't answer them. I don't know where I'll be going, I don't know who I'll actually talk to, I don't know where life will take me in these next few days. But I know goodbye is the right thing for me to say right now. You may not understand, only a few of you do. I feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my butt just thinking about it. Ugh what's wrong with me?! I don't know, nobody knows. I need to .....fix my emotions and get my head screwed back on. I shouldn't have any tears left to cry, but they keep coming out like waterfalls down my face, into my hands, into my shirt, on my pillow case, on my friends shoulders. I love you all......and Goodbye.

Back to the same feeling...

Once again, another break down has come. This whole feeling has taken over my emotions and I am not strong enough to climb over. There's so much that I want to say, but I don't even know how to put it in words! I told myself that I would never fall apart, I guess I failed. People say I need to get on with my life, but they don't realize that when you're dialing numbers just to hang up the phone, Waking a friend in the dead of night just to hear them say that it's going to be alright, that things really are not going to be ok. I tore all the pictures off the wall, they weren't helping me at all. I'm afraid to fall asleep at night because I know it will be there in my dreams. Apart of me wants to just drive there, and see if things will change once it sees me. I want that one thing to change and prove me wrong. I want to see another side of it, the side I used to know, not the side I see now. I want to feel that warmness against my face, that burn against my lips and feel that fire in my eyes. I'm sure someone wants to tell me that the reality of it all is over and it will never come back to me. For once I want to be able to wear make up and not have it run down my face, put a real smile on my face and not have it be an act, look down and see that my pillow case is clean and not stained with tears and make up, wanting to actually get ready and having the feeling of happiness back. I thought living with out it would make it easier, but to find out it only makes it harder. I'm at the point of giving up. Thinking that it's not worth it, any of it. All I want is freedom, a world with no more night. I want the light of day to dry my tears. I need it here, beside me.

Confusion and the feel of being Empty!

Realizing that something is missing from your life, is not the best feeling in the world. For a few weeks I've had this feeling of being with out something. I couldn't figure out what it was at all. My family and I have been getting along really well, my friends are better then ever, I'm becoming more involved in the Church, I have a job that I enjoy, whatever could it be?! As I was sitting in my room listening to Phantom of the Opera, curling my hair getting ready for tonight, I just completly broke down and started bawling my eyes out, as I am right now. I feel as if I could drown myself in my own tears! It didn't suprise me at all when I finally figured out what it is that's been missing. I'm really disappointed in myself though for what it is. I tell myself all the time that I can do better, it's not worth it, I'd go in the wrong direction, it should just be over. For some reason, it's stuck to me like super glue. I can't seem to find a way around it.It touched my skin like summer and left a smile on my face! My spirit began to soar! It both threatens and adores. But behind it all, it's really dark. I only wish it realized what it means to me. I feel empty when it's not apart of me! When it's not around me! Avoiding it would be the best way to get over it, I've tried it and just tore me apart. I honestly didn't think that something like this could affect you in such way, but it can take total control of everything that you do or say. I love it. Completly and fully LOVE it. Damn it- That's all I want to say.

My head starts pounding!

I think I may be sick. Seriously all I do is freaking sleep all the time! That's all I feel like doing! It's starting to get annoying. Lately, I've had a headache everyday too. Friday night I came home from work and I was really sick! I'm suprised I even made it home safely, my vision was so blurry and I was crying, which didn't help at all. I didn't even pull all the way in my driveway because I was afraid I would crash into the tree ahead of me. I crawled into my house, put on my pajamas and slept for 13 hours straight. Believe it or not, I was still tired on Saturday. I don't get it. Anyway, So I'm waiting for Brady to call me. We're going to go get tickets for Batman again! Oh my, what am AMAZING show. If you have not seen it, you're crazy and get your lazy butt up and go get a ticket! It's totally worth the 8 bucks you have to pay! Wow!!!!! Mamma Mia is another good one! I'm really excited to go tomorrow to Batman again, but not as excited as I was...for some reason. I don't know, I can't explain it. Oh well. I'm off to pick up Brady! Peace out!

Been a while?!

I swear it's been forever since I've been on here. I keep telling myself that I need to go write in my blog....buuut then I forget or get too lazy! Blah! I've had alot of thoughts run through my head lately about many different things! I don't really know how to describe them either! If I had a nickle for every though, I'm sure I'd be suuper rich by now! Ha you can only wish! It's so weird that in a few weeks everybody will be going off to college and starting their new lives. People who are dating and have been for quite sometime are breaking up and saying goodbye, which is not the easiest thing in the world by any means. Friends who have been so close for many years are finally saying their goodbyes. Our guys friends are getting ready to leave for their missions so soon. We're starting to say Peace Out to our families. It's all just very strange. Not going to lie though, I love being out of high school and knowing exactly what I want out of life and not caring anymore what people think! I just live life as it goes. I'm planning for my future as I write. Trying to figure out how soon and when I'm going or want to move to Cali, making the money for my rent and college. I'm quite excited! Kristin and Jocelyn and Rosie and Heather and Mckenzie and alot of other people are going to come live with me for weeks at a time. I've kind of left them no choice hahaha! Sorry girls, good thing you love me and ...love Cali haha!
Hmm, another thing. Love sucks I've decided. It's the most amazing thing in the world when you have it, but when it's gone and possibly lost forever, it's the most dreadful feeling in the world! As most of you know, I've been in love a few times. Yes I know exactly what love is and don't try to tell me other wise because you don't know how I truly feel about these people unless you've talked to me about all of it before. Kristin and I saw Mamma Mia last night, and I cried during one part of the show trying to hold the tears back as much as I could. It reminded me of the night I was in Vegas with the boy who I actually had planned on spending the rest of my life with, and we went and saw the play Mamma Mia with each other! I've never had a better time in my life then being with him! I miss him more then you could possibly imagine. I would've done anything and everything to be with him! It's almost been a year since we havn't...been together I guess you could say, and I'm still, to this day, tearing myself apart because of him! And then there's Chris. Yes, Chris VanOrden. I've liked that kid off and on since freshman year. When we got together this year I felt as if things were so right, and I knew even before we hooked up that I was in love with him. I was devistated when things didn't work out. I still am. I cried yesterday when he told me that he only has 12 days until he moves....and I'll harldy see him again. It makes me sick to think that one of my best friends for 4 years who I've been in love with all this time is moving and won't play such a big part in my life anymore. I don't even know where Chris and I stand on this day. Ha I remember spending almost every night with him and being so happy! Getting caught making out by his family members...oh my was I embarrassed! I think he's the only boy that actually was able to get my mind of off Scott, it was amazing!
There's also the friends situation.....It's been a roller coaster with some of my friends lately! I mostly spend my time with Kristin and Brady! Actually I do spend all my time with Kristin and I absolutly Love it!! I wouldn't have it any other way! And Brady and I have been on a few dates here and there, thanks to his parents hahahahaha, and I've had an amazing time! Brady is really my best guy friend! He's also another one that's going to come live with me in Cali haha! Anyway, the more thinking I do about friends, the more I think about Rosie. As you all know Rosie and I used to be attached to the Hip. Not so much anymore..Yes we've both kind of gone our seperate ways for stupid reasons. But I miss her. Alot. We did so many stupid things together it was unreal. People knew that when we were together it was trouble. Hahaha. One night this summer we actually picked up 12 year olds.....yes they were that young. It was freaking Hilarious! We're slowly repairing our friendship. It'll take some time, but it's not going to take forever!
Sooo sadly, Kristin is LEAVING ME AGAIN!!! What in the world am I going to do without here?!?!?! I go through SERIOUS withdrawls with out that girl! She's pretty much my LIFE as most of you should know!!!! Oh my! I already miss her and I still have a whole week to be with her..well not a whole week but close to! This time....She's going to NYC to see Wicked and Lion King on Broadway! Hahahaha it's for her birthday present. Can I tell you how jealous I am!?!? Pshhhh, lucky girl. She'll have fun though, but I am going to miss her bunches and bunches! And she best remember to call me during intermission of Wicked so I can hear her scream at the top of her lungs of how amazing it is! hahahaha!
Soooo this is pretty much It for my blog today! I probably won't write for a while ...again because I'm retarded and Lazy and Busy these days too! Hahaha Peace Out!

First day at work!

Yes I survived...well, it really wasn't that hard to survive. Anyway, I now work at a Credit Union in the St. Marks hospital, it was pretty interesting. I met alot of new people and may I say, there are som REALLY cute doctors hahahaha. Ok ok, I know I'm retarded. The people I work with are amazing. They've already taught me so much in 1 day. I'm sure they were complaining how irritating it is to teach someone new, but I think for the most part I caught on pretty quick. Stupid headaches, I feel like I'm going to crash. Blahhhh! Well, tonight Kristin is going to come pick me up and we're going to play for a little bit, then I am going to go get my hair cut. Nervous? A little. I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing to it yet, I want to go short, but everybody has told me not to, so I think I may just trim it...ahhh who knows I guess we'll all just have to wait and see eh?! I'm excited to hang out with meeee Bestie!! Gahh I love her so much! I'm off to drink my Diet Coke and lay down before Kristin calls me!! Peace

Eeeeek!!!

So I'm a little nervous for tomorrow! I start my new job working in a Credit Union in St. Marks Hospital. All I'll be doing is scanning Loan documents into the computer until they start teaching me how to be a Teller which is what I'm nervous for! I'm getting paid really well for what I'll be doing actually so I'm quite excited for my pay checks :D hahaha! Anyway, bad news, I went to the dentist today....I'm not a happy camper. I went in with a smile on my face and walked out with a half smile! For 18 years I've had perfect teeth, no cavities no root canals no NOTHING, until today. I have 1 small itty-bitty cavity that the dentist was like "it's not big at all, and I feel bad because the only reason why we're going to fill it is because we don't want it to get worse. In all, you have the most perfect teeth I've ever seen for an 18 year old"....CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?! After 18 freaking years I finally break my streak of perfect teeth. :( They also put this nasty wax stuff on the back of my teeth to help with the filling etc. Whatever it is, it's naaasty!! Kristin is going in right now for her Interview as a receptonist at Great Clips...I hope she gets it!! Then we might go hang out with Taylorsville people tonight which is weird because I haven't seen those people in ....FOREVER! Bahhhhahahaha ok so...I love how people are still stuck in High School. It makes me laugh really hard. Just to let you ALL know, if you feel like starting drama or getting pissed off at the world for the littlest things or feel like being my friend anymore, well be my guest!! I'm at the point in my life where I could really care less about what people think or do with their lives. I'm out of high school, I'm moving onto bigger and better things in life and I'm preparing for them right now. In a few months here, I'll be moving to California to start a new life, I can't tell you how excited I am. So when people decide to grow up and move on and finally have better things to do with their life, then maybe I'll start to care! As of friends- I have the best friends in the entire world, yes some don't like others but that's their problem, not mine so they need to work it out by themselves and not get me involved. I'm not going to stop being friends with that certain friend because another doesn't like them. Kristin is my Bestest friend in the entire world and I love her to death, I don't know where I'd be without here. She's so understanding and doesnt get upset with me for stupid little petty things and she lets go of something if I happen to make a mistake, which I do I know. So Kristin baby, THANK YOU!!! Anywhooooo. I have a headache so I may go rest for an hour or so. Love you all :D Peace!

I love popcicles!

I think that's how you spell it? hahaha I've already eatin 3 today and it's only 2:30. Wow I'm retarded. So last night, I thought it was funny how all of our friends were like "lets do something fun and blah blah blah" HA turns out that no one wanted to do anything besides me and Brady! I think Brady and I had a very fun night after all, we kind of went on a date haha. He took me to see Wall-E. It was SOOOO cute!!! I loved it! You all should go see it, if you haven't yet! Anyway, I hate sundays. There's nothing to do besides sleep and watch movies and Brady and I discussed earlier haha. I tried laying out side and taking a nap but it got really hot really fast and it's not even that sunny outside. I don't get it, oh well. Also, my feelings are all confused. These past couple of days after I broke things off with Sam, all I've done is think about how I hurt him and I keep wondering if I made the right decision by breaking it off. To be honest, I already miss him. I'm afraid I'm missing out on a wonderful oppertunity, but I don't know what to do about it because I know that I need to get my life back in order before anything happens again. It's alot harder then I thought it would be. Ewww ok, I was really bugged today during church. I walked in with all intentions of going up to my Bishop after sacrament and telling him that I needed to set up an appointment with him sometime during the week so we could have a little chit-chat. Well, I walk in, and he happens to be standing right there and the very first thing he says to me is "Well isn't it Alex Phillips, the girl who doesn't seem to come to church very often anymore" and just laughs.....I was Really irritated!!!! What kind of Bishop says that to someone?! Now I don't know what to do, because he doesnt even know that I've been out of town for......how many weeks? ALOT! alksndfl;akne;lfknal;sknd;sd;lj;ldasdf I hate it!! The biggest step for me now is going to be getting over what he said so I have the guts to go and talk to him...grrrrr. Well I'm off to go have dinner with my Family!!! Peace!

Suuuper Tired!

Ugh! I can barley keep my eyes open for 1 minute. I swear I don't sleep at night, no matter how hard I try! I think I may go have it checked out and see why I can't sleep! Bummmmmer, oh well! Anyway, the 4th of July was awesome! It all started out by waking up with swollen eyes, ok that's not very awesome, but I did. It gets better. Then I went shopping with my parents, didn't get anything because I have absolutly NO money what so ever, went to the store and bought some goodies for Kristins pool party, went to Kristins house and had a BLAST!! We all went to go see the fireworks at Sugarhouse Park, hahahaha Brady got hit in the Crotch by a piece off a firework, Kristin got hit as well. Bahhhahahaha it was funny! After, Kristin, Jocelyn and I all had a sleep over in Kristins trailor....CAN YOU SAY PARTY!?!?!?! Joce didn't get there till around 1 but Kristin and I were SOOOOO outrageously hyper alllllll night long until about 2. When Joce got there it was an even bigger party. Oh my!!! We all ended up crashing about 2 in the morning. I'm sooo tired now though. Us girls don't sleep, but we missed Ali and her prank calls :( hahaha. Anyway, I've been doing yard work all day, it sucks. Now I was hopeing to play with Kristin but she's going out with her mom so I guess I'll just chill until then. So I start a new job on Tuesday working in a Credit Union....not going to lie, I'm kinda nervous. It'll be a good experience though! I look gross today...blah. Sometimes I wish I were a guy. Guys don't ever really have to get ready unlike us. It's not fair! Well I'm off to get some food in my tummy!!! Peace

As of right now....

Life is crazy! I'm not very happy with the way things are going right now either. I'm so confused on what life is about to bring me and what I may be starting and getting myself into. I had an hour talk with my mom about everything and realized that I'm not happy. There are so many things that are such a blurr and I need to sort out. As of right now, I'm in a relationship with a boy who treats me really well and is so thoughtfull and sweet, but I'm just not happy with him. There's no chemistry there, no spark, no flame, no nothing. He really likes and cares about me, but he likes me alot more then I like him. It's hard because I am breaking it off tonight and I don't know how I'm going to get through it without burstin into tears, which I absolutly hate. I need to set up a meeting with my Bishop and sort things out with my Heavenly Father so I'm not sitting here with this guilt on my shoulders of everything in the past. I need to get a second job so I can earn my keep and move to California and start my life as a mortician as soon as possible. I need to build up my relationshp with my family. It's gone so down hill because I never seem to have enough time for them and I always seem to leave them in the dust. I miss the girl Alex Phillips once used to be. Everybody sits there and tells me how wonderful, strong, beautiful and talented I am, but if they possibly knew what goes through my head and all the thoughts I have and what keeps me up at night, they make think differently. Yet again, they may be able to see inside me and know what's going on through my silly, messed up brain, and see how strong I really am and how I always try to keep my head up and push for the better, I really may be all those things they say I am. I always try to put other people before I put myself, sometimes it gets me in trouble but other times it's so rewarding so I keep doing it. I have a long way to go in life. My testimony is questionable. My self confidence is really low. I am going to try to fix those things as soon as I can, starting right after I finish writing this. My friends are wonderful, there are so many of you I have to thank for keeping me this strong. Kristin, Jocelyn, Ali, Rosie, Heather and many more of you have played the biggest part in my life! Kristin baby, You're my bestie and have been ever since HSM started! Thankgoodness for the Football game right? Jocelyn aka Gina, If it wasn't for Madrigals, we would probably still hate each other but thankfully we don't anymore because I know I would be lost with out you in my life. Ali and Rosie and Heather you guys listen to everything I say and always come back with something positive or you just tell me how it is and it teaches me a lesson. I love all of you so much and I wish for the best! Wow, I feel much better now that i've just splattered all my feelings into a blog! hahaha silly silly! I'll admit I'm officially addicted to ChaCha...who would have thought! Anyway I'm off to go start a better life .....TaTa!