Back to the same feeling...

Once again, another break down has come. This whole feeling has taken over my emotions and I am not strong enough to climb over. There's so much that I want to say, but I don't even know how to put it in words! I told myself that I would never fall apart, I guess I failed. People say I need to get on with my life, but they don't realize that when you're dialing numbers just to hang up the phone, Waking a friend in the dead of night just to hear them say that it's going to be alright, that things really are not going to be ok. I tore all the pictures off the wall, they weren't helping me at all. I'm afraid to fall asleep at night because I know it will be there in my dreams. Apart of me wants to just drive there, and see if things will change once it sees me. I want that one thing to change and prove me wrong. I want to see another side of it, the side I used to know, not the side I see now. I want to feel that warmness against my face, that burn against my lips and feel that fire in my eyes. I'm sure someone wants to tell me that the reality of it all is over and it will never come back to me. For once I want to be able to wear make up and not have it run down my face, put a real smile on my face and not have it be an act, look down and see that my pillow case is clean and not stained with tears and make up, wanting to actually get ready and having the feeling of happiness back. I thought living with out it would make it easier, but to find out it only makes it harder. I'm at the point of giving up. Thinking that it's not worth it, any of it. All I want is freedom, a world with no more night. I want the light of day to dry my tears. I need it here, beside me.

Confusion and the feel of being Empty!

Realizing that something is missing from your life, is not the best feeling in the world. For a few weeks I've had this feeling of being with out something. I couldn't figure out what it was at all. My family and I have been getting along really well, my friends are better then ever, I'm becoming more involved in the Church, I have a job that I enjoy, whatever could it be?! As I was sitting in my room listening to Phantom of the Opera, curling my hair getting ready for tonight, I just completly broke down and started bawling my eyes out, as I am right now. I feel as if I could drown myself in my own tears! It didn't suprise me at all when I finally figured out what it is that's been missing. I'm really disappointed in myself though for what it is. I tell myself all the time that I can do better, it's not worth it, I'd go in the wrong direction, it should just be over. For some reason, it's stuck to me like super glue. I can't seem to find a way around it.It touched my skin like summer and left a smile on my face! My spirit began to soar! It both threatens and adores. But behind it all, it's really dark. I only wish it realized what it means to me. I feel empty when it's not apart of me! When it's not around me! Avoiding it would be the best way to get over it, I've tried it and just tore me apart. I honestly didn't think that something like this could affect you in such way, but it can take total control of everything that you do or say. I love it. Completly and fully LOVE it. Damn it- That's all I want to say.

My head starts pounding!

I think I may be sick. Seriously all I do is freaking sleep all the time! That's all I feel like doing! It's starting to get annoying. Lately, I've had a headache everyday too. Friday night I came home from work and I was really sick! I'm suprised I even made it home safely, my vision was so blurry and I was crying, which didn't help at all. I didn't even pull all the way in my driveway because I was afraid I would crash into the tree ahead of me. I crawled into my house, put on my pajamas and slept for 13 hours straight. Believe it or not, I was still tired on Saturday. I don't get it. Anyway, So I'm waiting for Brady to call me. We're going to go get tickets for Batman again! Oh my, what am AMAZING show. If you have not seen it, you're crazy and get your lazy butt up and go get a ticket! It's totally worth the 8 bucks you have to pay! Wow!!!!! Mamma Mia is another good one! I'm really excited to go tomorrow to Batman again, but not as excited as I was...for some reason. I don't know, I can't explain it. Oh well. I'm off to pick up Brady! Peace out!

Been a while?!

I swear it's been forever since I've been on here. I keep telling myself that I need to go write in my blog....buuut then I forget or get too lazy! Blah! I've had alot of thoughts run through my head lately about many different things! I don't really know how to describe them either! If I had a nickle for every though, I'm sure I'd be suuper rich by now! Ha you can only wish! It's so weird that in a few weeks everybody will be going off to college and starting their new lives. People who are dating and have been for quite sometime are breaking up and saying goodbye, which is not the easiest thing in the world by any means. Friends who have been so close for many years are finally saying their goodbyes. Our guys friends are getting ready to leave for their missions so soon. We're starting to say Peace Out to our families. It's all just very strange. Not going to lie though, I love being out of high school and knowing exactly what I want out of life and not caring anymore what people think! I just live life as it goes. I'm planning for my future as I write. Trying to figure out how soon and when I'm going or want to move to Cali, making the money for my rent and college. I'm quite excited! Kristin and Jocelyn and Rosie and Heather and Mckenzie and alot of other people are going to come live with me for weeks at a time. I've kind of left them no choice hahaha! Sorry girls, good thing you love me and ...love Cali haha!
Hmm, another thing. Love sucks I've decided. It's the most amazing thing in the world when you have it, but when it's gone and possibly lost forever, it's the most dreadful feeling in the world! As most of you know, I've been in love a few times. Yes I know exactly what love is and don't try to tell me other wise because you don't know how I truly feel about these people unless you've talked to me about all of it before. Kristin and I saw Mamma Mia last night, and I cried during one part of the show trying to hold the tears back as much as I could. It reminded me of the night I was in Vegas with the boy who I actually had planned on spending the rest of my life with, and we went and saw the play Mamma Mia with each other! I've never had a better time in my life then being with him! I miss him more then you could possibly imagine. I would've done anything and everything to be with him! It's almost been a year since we havn't...been together I guess you could say, and I'm still, to this day, tearing myself apart because of him! And then there's Chris. Yes, Chris VanOrden. I've liked that kid off and on since freshman year. When we got together this year I felt as if things were so right, and I knew even before we hooked up that I was in love with him. I was devistated when things didn't work out. I still am. I cried yesterday when he told me that he only has 12 days until he moves....and I'll harldy see him again. It makes me sick to think that one of my best friends for 4 years who I've been in love with all this time is moving and won't play such a big part in my life anymore. I don't even know where Chris and I stand on this day. Ha I remember spending almost every night with him and being so happy! Getting caught making out by his family members...oh my was I embarrassed! I think he's the only boy that actually was able to get my mind of off Scott, it was amazing!
There's also the friends situation.....It's been a roller coaster with some of my friends lately! I mostly spend my time with Kristin and Brady! Actually I do spend all my time with Kristin and I absolutly Love it!! I wouldn't have it any other way! And Brady and I have been on a few dates here and there, thanks to his parents hahahahaha, and I've had an amazing time! Brady is really my best guy friend! He's also another one that's going to come live with me in Cali haha! Anyway, the more thinking I do about friends, the more I think about Rosie. As you all know Rosie and I used to be attached to the Hip. Not so much anymore..Yes we've both kind of gone our seperate ways for stupid reasons. But I miss her. Alot. We did so many stupid things together it was unreal. People knew that when we were together it was trouble. Hahaha. One night this summer we actually picked up 12 year olds.....yes they were that young. It was freaking Hilarious! We're slowly repairing our friendship. It'll take some time, but it's not going to take forever!
Sooo sadly, Kristin is LEAVING ME AGAIN!!! What in the world am I going to do without here?!?!?! I go through SERIOUS withdrawls with out that girl! She's pretty much my LIFE as most of you should know!!!! Oh my! I already miss her and I still have a whole week to be with her..well not a whole week but close to! This time....She's going to NYC to see Wicked and Lion King on Broadway! Hahahaha it's for her birthday present. Can I tell you how jealous I am!?!? Pshhhh, lucky girl. She'll have fun though, but I am going to miss her bunches and bunches! And she best remember to call me during intermission of Wicked so I can hear her scream at the top of her lungs of how amazing it is! hahahaha!
Soooo this is pretty much It for my blog today! I probably won't write for a while ...again because I'm retarded and Lazy and Busy these days too! Hahaha Peace Out!

First day at work!

Yes I survived...well, it really wasn't that hard to survive. Anyway, I now work at a Credit Union in the St. Marks hospital, it was pretty interesting. I met alot of new people and may I say, there are som REALLY cute doctors hahahaha. Ok ok, I know I'm retarded. The people I work with are amazing. They've already taught me so much in 1 day. I'm sure they were complaining how irritating it is to teach someone new, but I think for the most part I caught on pretty quick. Stupid headaches, I feel like I'm going to crash. Blahhhh! Well, tonight Kristin is going to come pick me up and we're going to play for a little bit, then I am going to go get my hair cut. Nervous? A little. I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing to it yet, I want to go short, but everybody has told me not to, so I think I may just trim it...ahhh who knows I guess we'll all just have to wait and see eh?! I'm excited to hang out with meeee Bestie!! Gahh I love her so much! I'm off to drink my Diet Coke and lay down before Kristin calls me!! Peace

Eeeeek!!!

So I'm a little nervous for tomorrow! I start my new job working in a Credit Union in St. Marks Hospital. All I'll be doing is scanning Loan documents into the computer until they start teaching me how to be a Teller which is what I'm nervous for! I'm getting paid really well for what I'll be doing actually so I'm quite excited for my pay checks :D hahaha! Anyway, bad news, I went to the dentist today....I'm not a happy camper. I went in with a smile on my face and walked out with a half smile! For 18 years I've had perfect teeth, no cavities no root canals no NOTHING, until today. I have 1 small itty-bitty cavity that the dentist was like "it's not big at all, and I feel bad because the only reason why we're going to fill it is because we don't want it to get worse. In all, you have the most perfect teeth I've ever seen for an 18 year old"....CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?! After 18 freaking years I finally break my streak of perfect teeth. :( They also put this nasty wax stuff on the back of my teeth to help with the filling etc. Whatever it is, it's naaasty!! Kristin is going in right now for her Interview as a receptonist at Great Clips...I hope she gets it!! Then we might go hang out with Taylorsville people tonight which is weird because I haven't seen those people in ....FOREVER! Bahhhhahahaha ok so...I love how people are still stuck in High School. It makes me laugh really hard. Just to let you ALL know, if you feel like starting drama or getting pissed off at the world for the littlest things or feel like being my friend anymore, well be my guest!! I'm at the point in my life where I could really care less about what people think or do with their lives. I'm out of high school, I'm moving onto bigger and better things in life and I'm preparing for them right now. In a few months here, I'll be moving to California to start a new life, I can't tell you how excited I am. So when people decide to grow up and move on and finally have better things to do with their life, then maybe I'll start to care! As of friends- I have the best friends in the entire world, yes some don't like others but that's their problem, not mine so they need to work it out by themselves and not get me involved. I'm not going to stop being friends with that certain friend because another doesn't like them. Kristin is my Bestest friend in the entire world and I love her to death, I don't know where I'd be without here. She's so understanding and doesnt get upset with me for stupid little petty things and she lets go of something if I happen to make a mistake, which I do I know. So Kristin baby, THANK YOU!!! Anywhooooo. I have a headache so I may go rest for an hour or so. Love you all :D Peace!

I love popcicles!

I think that's how you spell it? hahaha I've already eatin 3 today and it's only 2:30. Wow I'm retarded. So last night, I thought it was funny how all of our friends were like "lets do something fun and blah blah blah" HA turns out that no one wanted to do anything besides me and Brady! I think Brady and I had a very fun night after all, we kind of went on a date haha. He took me to see Wall-E. It was SOOOO cute!!! I loved it! You all should go see it, if you haven't yet! Anyway, I hate sundays. There's nothing to do besides sleep and watch movies and Brady and I discussed earlier haha. I tried laying out side and taking a nap but it got really hot really fast and it's not even that sunny outside. I don't get it, oh well. Also, my feelings are all confused. These past couple of days after I broke things off with Sam, all I've done is think about how I hurt him and I keep wondering if I made the right decision by breaking it off. To be honest, I already miss him. I'm afraid I'm missing out on a wonderful oppertunity, but I don't know what to do about it because I know that I need to get my life back in order before anything happens again. It's alot harder then I thought it would be. Ewww ok, I was really bugged today during church. I walked in with all intentions of going up to my Bishop after sacrament and telling him that I needed to set up an appointment with him sometime during the week so we could have a little chit-chat. Well, I walk in, and he happens to be standing right there and the very first thing he says to me is "Well isn't it Alex Phillips, the girl who doesn't seem to come to church very often anymore" and just laughs.....I was Really irritated!!!! What kind of Bishop says that to someone?! Now I don't know what to do, because he doesnt even know that I've been out of town for......how many weeks? ALOT! alksndfl;akne;lfknal;sknd;sd;lj;ldasdf I hate it!! The biggest step for me now is going to be getting over what he said so I have the guts to go and talk to him...grrrrr. Well I'm off to go have dinner with my Family!!! Peace!

Suuuper Tired!

Ugh! I can barley keep my eyes open for 1 minute. I swear I don't sleep at night, no matter how hard I try! I think I may go have it checked out and see why I can't sleep! Bummmmmer, oh well! Anyway, the 4th of July was awesome! It all started out by waking up with swollen eyes, ok that's not very awesome, but I did. It gets better. Then I went shopping with my parents, didn't get anything because I have absolutly NO money what so ever, went to the store and bought some goodies for Kristins pool party, went to Kristins house and had a BLAST!! We all went to go see the fireworks at Sugarhouse Park, hahahaha Brady got hit in the Crotch by a piece off a firework, Kristin got hit as well. Bahhhahahaha it was funny! After, Kristin, Jocelyn and I all had a sleep over in Kristins trailor....CAN YOU SAY PARTY!?!?!?! Joce didn't get there till around 1 but Kristin and I were SOOOOO outrageously hyper alllllll night long until about 2. When Joce got there it was an even bigger party. Oh my!!! We all ended up crashing about 2 in the morning. I'm sooo tired now though. Us girls don't sleep, but we missed Ali and her prank calls :( hahaha. Anyway, I've been doing yard work all day, it sucks. Now I was hopeing to play with Kristin but she's going out with her mom so I guess I'll just chill until then. So I start a new job on Tuesday working in a Credit Union....not going to lie, I'm kinda nervous. It'll be a good experience though! I look gross today...blah. Sometimes I wish I were a guy. Guys don't ever really have to get ready unlike us. It's not fair! Well I'm off to get some food in my tummy!!! Peace

As of right now....

Life is crazy! I'm not very happy with the way things are going right now either. I'm so confused on what life is about to bring me and what I may be starting and getting myself into. I had an hour talk with my mom about everything and realized that I'm not happy. There are so many things that are such a blurr and I need to sort out. As of right now, I'm in a relationship with a boy who treats me really well and is so thoughtfull and sweet, but I'm just not happy with him. There's no chemistry there, no spark, no flame, no nothing. He really likes and cares about me, but he likes me alot more then I like him. It's hard because I am breaking it off tonight and I don't know how I'm going to get through it without burstin into tears, which I absolutly hate. I need to set up a meeting with my Bishop and sort things out with my Heavenly Father so I'm not sitting here with this guilt on my shoulders of everything in the past. I need to get a second job so I can earn my keep and move to California and start my life as a mortician as soon as possible. I need to build up my relationshp with my family. It's gone so down hill because I never seem to have enough time for them and I always seem to leave them in the dust. I miss the girl Alex Phillips once used to be. Everybody sits there and tells me how wonderful, strong, beautiful and talented I am, but if they possibly knew what goes through my head and all the thoughts I have and what keeps me up at night, they make think differently. Yet again, they may be able to see inside me and know what's going on through my silly, messed up brain, and see how strong I really am and how I always try to keep my head up and push for the better, I really may be all those things they say I am. I always try to put other people before I put myself, sometimes it gets me in trouble but other times it's so rewarding so I keep doing it. I have a long way to go in life. My testimony is questionable. My self confidence is really low. I am going to try to fix those things as soon as I can, starting right after I finish writing this. My friends are wonderful, there are so many of you I have to thank for keeping me this strong. Kristin, Jocelyn, Ali, Rosie, Heather and many more of you have played the biggest part in my life! Kristin baby, You're my bestie and have been ever since HSM started! Thankgoodness for the Football game right? Jocelyn aka Gina, If it wasn't for Madrigals, we would probably still hate each other but thankfully we don't anymore because I know I would be lost with out you in my life. Ali and Rosie and Heather you guys listen to everything I say and always come back with something positive or you just tell me how it is and it teaches me a lesson. I love all of you so much and I wish for the best! Wow, I feel much better now that i've just splattered all my feelings into a blog! hahaha silly silly! I'll admit I'm officially addicted to ChaCha...who would have thought! Anyway I'm off to go start a better life .....TaTa!