Back to the same feeling...

Once again, another break down has come. This whole feeling has taken over my emotions and I am not strong enough to climb over. There's so much that I want to say, but I don't even know how to put it in words! I told myself that I would never fall apart, I guess I failed. People say I need to get on with my life, but they don't realize that when you're dialing numbers just to hang up the phone, Waking a friend in the dead of night just to hear them say that it's going to be alright, that things really are not going to be ok. I tore all the pictures off the wall, they weren't helping me at all. I'm afraid to fall asleep at night because I know it will be there in my dreams. Apart of me wants to just drive there, and see if things will change once it sees me. I want that one thing to change and prove me wrong. I want to see another side of it, the side I used to know, not the side I see now. I want to feel that warmness against my face, that burn against my lips and feel that fire in my eyes. I'm sure someone wants to tell me that the reality of it all is over and it will never come back to me. For once I want to be able to wear make up and not have it run down my face, put a real smile on my face and not have it be an act, look down and see that my pillow case is clean and not stained with tears and make up, wanting to actually get ready and having the feeling of happiness back. I thought living with out it would make it easier, but to find out it only makes it harder. I'm at the point of giving up. Thinking that it's not worth it, any of it. All I want is freedom, a world with no more night. I want the light of day to dry my tears. I need it here, beside me.