As of right now....

Life is crazy! I'm not very happy with the way things are going right now either. I'm so confused on what life is about to bring me and what I may be starting and getting myself into. I had an hour talk with my mom about everything and realized that I'm not happy. There are so many things that are such a blurr and I need to sort out. As of right now, I'm in a relationship with a boy who treats me really well and is so thoughtfull and sweet, but I'm just not happy with him. There's no chemistry there, no spark, no flame, no nothing. He really likes and cares about me, but he likes me alot more then I like him. It's hard because I am breaking it off tonight and I don't know how I'm going to get through it without burstin into tears, which I absolutly hate. I need to set up a meeting with my Bishop and sort things out with my Heavenly Father so I'm not sitting here with this guilt on my shoulders of everything in the past. I need to get a second job so I can earn my keep and move to California and start my life as a mortician as soon as possible. I need to build up my relationshp with my family. It's gone so down hill because I never seem to have enough time for them and I always seem to leave them in the dust. I miss the girl Alex Phillips once used to be. Everybody sits there and tells me how wonderful, strong, beautiful and talented I am, but if they possibly knew what goes through my head and all the thoughts I have and what keeps me up at night, they make think differently. Yet again, they may be able to see inside me and know what's going on through my silly, messed up brain, and see how strong I really am and how I always try to keep my head up and push for the better, I really may be all those things they say I am. I always try to put other people before I put myself, sometimes it gets me in trouble but other times it's so rewarding so I keep doing it. I have a long way to go in life. My testimony is questionable. My self confidence is really low. I am going to try to fix those things as soon as I can, starting right after I finish writing this. My friends are wonderful, there are so many of you I have to thank for keeping me this strong. Kristin, Jocelyn, Ali, Rosie, Heather and many more of you have played the biggest part in my life! Kristin baby, You're my bestie and have been ever since HSM started! Thankgoodness for the Football game right? Jocelyn aka Gina, If it wasn't for Madrigals, we would probably still hate each other but thankfully we don't anymore because I know I would be lost with out you in my life. Ali and Rosie and Heather you guys listen to everything I say and always come back with something positive or you just tell me how it is and it teaches me a lesson. I love all of you so much and I wish for the best! Wow, I feel much better now that i've just splattered all my feelings into a blog! hahaha silly silly! I'll admit I'm officially addicted to ChaCha...who would have thought! Anyway I'm off to go start a better life .....TaTa!