Something I thought I could Handle

Last night, I was driving home with my dad and started thinking about things and I just started bawling. At first I didn't know why and then I realized that I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore! I had this huge dream about going and becoming a Mortician and moving to Cali and having it be everything I wanted. As I look back and think about things in depth, I realized that I'm sort of being pushed down from my dreams. People always say to me, "Alex, are you sure this is what you want to do? Are you sure you're going to be able to handle this, Is this really what you want to do?" and "You know if you need help etc. We're not always going to be here for you, You can't rely on us for everything". I'm not asking you for help in anyway, from anybody, I'm not saying that I am going to rely on you for everything when I move. I'm not asking you for ANYTHING!!!! Do people really not get that? Yes, being a mortician is something that I really actually want to do, it's interesting and is very rewarding. Why is it that people don't think that a girl like me can handle something like this? Am I not a strong enough person, am I not smart enough in the subject that I'll have to major in to become this? I just don't get it! I cried for about an hour yesterday just spilling everything to my Father, who, bless his soul, doesn't really know how to handle girl problems or anything of the sort when we have our little "break downs". I then just started ranting and raving about all my problems to him as he sat there quietly. As I was blabbering away, I mentioned to him about the little email Scott had wrote me two weeks ago and how it's affected my life in a huge way and I feel as if I'm lost and have no control over anything and it's made me feel as if I'm not good enough for anybody and how the things he said was unnecessary and very hurtful. My dad got really upset and felt horrible for me, he never liked Scott in the first place anyway. Then I had told him how I do love Scott and how when we were around each other it was blantly obvious that I did and he totally agreed with me, I just never mentioned it to him!

We then started talking about School again and me moving. My dad is behind me 100% on anything that I decide to do. I guess I just feel like a complete loser for not going to school now. I hear and see all my friends going to college and talking about all the great times they're having and all the awesome new people they're meeting, and then there's me who just works 24/7 and doesn't do anything else but and has no time for herself! Am I a loser for not going to schoool here when I had the chance? I realize that I have a dream and I know what I want in life, but really, honestly is it what I want? Am I smart enough to achieve this dream of mine? Do I really want to move to Cali, or is it an excuse just to get out of the house and away from all my problems and start a new life? I have no clue what it is running through my head and all my emotions are mixed together and and my head won't stop spinning. I've been having these second thoughts for about a month now and it scares me. What if I do something I regret and ...can't go back? Gah.

Work is another problem. That's all I do with my life is work, because I'm working towards this so called "dream" of mine. I work about 45 hours a week believe it or not, and work more then anybody else here! I am going to have a little chat with my boss on tuesday and tell her that I need at least 1 day where I can work a half a day or have it off. I'm so stressed that I can't even eat breakfast or lunch anymore, and then I get sick because I'm not eating and all this other crap. Let me just say, I feel as if my world is falling apart completely!

Sorry for blabbing about all my troubles. I just need to vent and maybe possibly have some "calming" words spoken to me and a little help. So Thank you! Peace!