Been a while

I know it's been a very long time since I've written anything. First off- I apologize if i misspell anything. I have a sprained finger and can barley type. Lucky me right? haha! Anyway, I'm only writting because I need to vent. You don't have to read if you don't want to. I'm sure alot of you are sick and tired of hearing my "sob stories" and that's fine. But for right now, I really need to just let everything out.
First thing- GO UTAH!!!!! I hope Utah kicks some BYU butt!!
Now for everything else. For those of you who have been wondering - Yes I have a boyfrieind. his name is Andy and we've been dating for about a month and I'm absolutly happy! I feel as if I havn't been this happy since i was with Scott. He's been a wonderful thing for me and i'm not about to let him go. it's hard though because we get talking about california and how i'm moving and i just want to break down and cry because i've fallen for him so hard and so fast that i'm scared of losing him. He's absolutly amazing. My parents on the other hand, don't really approve and it's hard.
my relationship with my parents i HORRIBLE! i can't even begin to explain to you what has been going on with my parents this past couple of months. i never thought that someones relationship with their parents could really get this bad. well i'm the lucky star who no longer has a relationship with her parents. they hate her, call her a bitch, tell her they're disappointed in her and don't trust her. we get in fights for no reason and over the littlest things. i've been looking for places to move because i can't handle this anymore. i can't tell you the last time i DIDN'T cry myself to sleep or throw things against the wall, pull out my hair, rip things apart, and just not cared. most of you won't understand. you'll probably think that things are fine and i'm just being stupid etc. but i'm not. honstly i do not have a relationship with my parents anymore. kristin and samir know almost everything that's been going on because they're about the only ones who seem to care. so thank you kristin and samir !
work has been pretty crazy. that's all i do is work. i work 5 -10 hour days and 1-5 hour day. it's crazy. the pay checks are good but i'm slowly getting worn down and not being able to hold myself up. my eyes are puffy from crying and not sleeping, my body hurts from being so stressed and it's always cold in the office. i hate the cold. things will soon slow down hopefully when i go part time. thank goodness.
friends. hahah well as far as friends go. i hung out with brady and anthony the other night. wow have i missed both of them. i had so much fun and we just talked and laughed and went to bradys house and watch tv and just had fun. i love them both so much. brady looked so cute with his puffy cheeks hahaha. lovely. hahaha. i talk to kristin everyday. she's still my best friend and i love her more then anybody and anything right now! i talk to samir once in a while. i do owe him an apology though. samir i am so sorry for not contacting you these past few days and i bailed out on our movie night. but it's NOT been a good week. parent stuff and so i've just kind of shut myself out. but i love you and i'm sorry. jocelyn girl. i freaking miss you to death and i would like to see you soon when you're not busy. heather, wow i've been hanging out with her lately and she's helped me sooo much these past few days and she's always there for me. and she gives me really good advice on what i should do and how i should handle things and just knows how to put a smile on my face! thanks love!
THEN there are the friends who can pretty much kiss my ass. you know those kind of friends who sit there and say they're your best friend and they'd never do anything to hurt you and pretend to actually care about you...well to your face, and then turn around and go pull shitty stunts behind your back and ask everybody to keep it hush hush from you? well let me explain- about a month ago, i found out that a good friend of mine who i called my best friend for a while and i've been good friends with them for many many years now, went behind my back and made out with an ex boyfriend of mine who i was in love with. she knew i was in love with him and she was there for me and knew how upset i was and how much i was hurting when we broke up. she was a wonderful friend at the time. buuuut after we broke up, we went and made out with him, pretty much ALL SUMMER LONG. wtf? what kind of friend does that? i swore to myself i would never get mad at them for "hooking up" with a boy whom i've had interest in. but since i did call her my best friend and i was in LOVE with him, this just took it too far. i would never in a million years ever ever ever think of kissing, hanging out alone etc. with a boy whom she was in love with. i am very disappointed in her and am tired of a bunch of bull shit that's gone on, so i'm sticking up for myself and not letting it happen again. so thank you for hurting me these past few weeks for all the crappy stunts you've pulled. i appreciate it.
christmas time. well it's going to suck. i'm spending christmas by myself. my family including my grandmas are going to california for christmas and i'm stuck at home by myself because i have to work the next 2 days after christmas. it really sucks and i can't help but cry about it because christmas is the time you're supposed to spend with your family. i've been invited to the hillam house for christmas and think i may take them up on that offer. it sounds fun so thank you hillam family for the offer.
I'm done spilling my guts for now.

one last shout out:
GO UTES!


peace

Deleting Blog?

I'm thinking of deleting my blog, I really have nothing to blog about, nobody ever comments or probably reads them. All I have to talk about is stupid pointless things which no ene ever cares about. I've tried to reach out for help through this, buuuut nothing good has come out of it. I never have time to blog anyway. So, this may be my last post for a while, and after a week, it'll probably be deleted.

Lately, I've been really happy! Things tend not to bother me, I've decided I am going to move to Cali as soon as I can and get away and try something new and could be wonderful, and if I don't like it, I know I'll always have a place to come home to, and wonderful people who care about me! I've been running alot too, I decided I need to get myself back into shape since I won't be playing sports for a while..well probably never again. Pretty sad, unless I can find some softball club team in Cali. I've sang more then I have in a long time, and I love it, I absolutly have missed it! I had the chance to see Ali, Kenzie and Maxwell who I have missed soooo much! I've spent this whole week at home just rejuvinating and having time for myself and finally getting some sleep! Life is pretty good!

I've realized, people do change, and there are some things and people who you think wouldn't pull stupid stunts, and well, news flash Alex, they do. Even best friends! I know we're all getting to the point where we're going to start hanging out with the opposite sex and sooner or later we are going to be spending more time with our "partner" per say, then our friends. But there comes a time, where you don't ditch your friends. If you have made plans with them earlier in the day, you don't ditch them for a boy or a girl. That's just ...rude. And it hurts. If you've made plans with that "boy or girl", and then ask your best friend to hang out, don't do it!!! You'll eventually ditch your best friend anyway for the opposite sex. I love how they always say "you know you were invited to hang out with us", but I'm not going to be three wheeling it. Awkward and boring, and you can always tell when you're really not welcome. It's funny, this "best friend'' of mine, I have NEVER EVER EVER and never will ditch her for a boy. I know how it feels so I've sworn to myself to not do it. If I had a boy who wanted to hang out, and I had plans with her, I'd hang out with her, not him, but her, and then later on, if we had nothing to do, I would suggest to her if she wanted to hang out with them, but I would take her with, not just leave her in the dust! It sure is a wonderful feeling to be left in the dust, wouldn't you agree for those who have experienced this!? From all of this, and this putting the cherry on top of the whipping cream on my sunday, I'm done catering to people and I'm not going to fool myself and be so "forgiving" to people who don't have the same respect. So, all I have to say is Thanks so much for ditching me, and putting me in 2nd place when you'll always be in 1st place.

Can I just say that I love Brady to death!? He's always been there for me through everything and he's the one person that I can always count on, and we could just sit around for hours, not do anything and never run out of conversation and we can joke around and throw things at each other, just sit there and sing random songs and have a great time! He really truly is a wonderful friend and I love that kid to death. I know he's the one person I am really going to miss the most when I move to Cali and he goes off on his mission. I plan on writing him every day of his mission. Bahhhahaha good luck Alex. I had the chance to see Samir tonight as well, Gah how I have missed him! I am so glad he is feeling better and is able to hang out with us again!

Ohhhh You have to hear this story, So my mom works this this guy, who has a daughter who is a few years older then I am and is married. She wasn't feeling well one day and decided to go to the doctors and get checked out. The doctor told her she had herpes. Gross I know, wait it gets better. The doctor said it was a special kind of herpes that you can only get from dead people, she didn't understand why because she hates dead people and has nothing to do with them. Wellll guess what, Her husband is a Mortician who has been having sex with dead people in his "spare time" and got the herpes from them, and gave it to her. HOW SICK IS THAT?!?!?! Baaaahahahha I just laughed when I heard it , but I was completly grossed out! Who in their right mind would have the nerve to do something like that?! It's just sick and wrong people!!!! Bleh!

Rosie girl, I freaking miss you! We need to play more often! And I agree, we need to have another cry/talking fest in a car!!!
Anyway, I am off to bed. I'll think about keeping my blog up if I ever get around to it. If not, this is the last pathetic post. Goodnight everyone and have a wonderful weekend! Peace!

Something I thought I could Handle

Last night, I was driving home with my dad and started thinking about things and I just started bawling. At first I didn't know why and then I realized that I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore! I had this huge dream about going and becoming a Mortician and moving to Cali and having it be everything I wanted. As I look back and think about things in depth, I realized that I'm sort of being pushed down from my dreams. People always say to me, "Alex, are you sure this is what you want to do? Are you sure you're going to be able to handle this, Is this really what you want to do?" and "You know if you need help etc. We're not always going to be here for you, You can't rely on us for everything". I'm not asking you for help in anyway, from anybody, I'm not saying that I am going to rely on you for everything when I move. I'm not asking you for ANYTHING!!!! Do people really not get that? Yes, being a mortician is something that I really actually want to do, it's interesting and is very rewarding. Why is it that people don't think that a girl like me can handle something like this? Am I not a strong enough person, am I not smart enough in the subject that I'll have to major in to become this? I just don't get it! I cried for about an hour yesterday just spilling everything to my Father, who, bless his soul, doesn't really know how to handle girl problems or anything of the sort when we have our little "break downs". I then just started ranting and raving about all my problems to him as he sat there quietly. As I was blabbering away, I mentioned to him about the little email Scott had wrote me two weeks ago and how it's affected my life in a huge way and I feel as if I'm lost and have no control over anything and it's made me feel as if I'm not good enough for anybody and how the things he said was unnecessary and very hurtful. My dad got really upset and felt horrible for me, he never liked Scott in the first place anyway. Then I had told him how I do love Scott and how when we were around each other it was blantly obvious that I did and he totally agreed with me, I just never mentioned it to him!

We then started talking about School again and me moving. My dad is behind me 100% on anything that I decide to do. I guess I just feel like a complete loser for not going to school now. I hear and see all my friends going to college and talking about all the great times they're having and all the awesome new people they're meeting, and then there's me who just works 24/7 and doesn't do anything else but and has no time for herself! Am I a loser for not going to schoool here when I had the chance? I realize that I have a dream and I know what I want in life, but really, honestly is it what I want? Am I smart enough to achieve this dream of mine? Do I really want to move to Cali, or is it an excuse just to get out of the house and away from all my problems and start a new life? I have no clue what it is running through my head and all my emotions are mixed together and and my head won't stop spinning. I've been having these second thoughts for about a month now and it scares me. What if I do something I regret and ...can't go back? Gah.

Work is another problem. That's all I do with my life is work, because I'm working towards this so called "dream" of mine. I work about 45 hours a week believe it or not, and work more then anybody else here! I am going to have a little chat with my boss on tuesday and tell her that I need at least 1 day where I can work a half a day or have it off. I'm so stressed that I can't even eat breakfast or lunch anymore, and then I get sick because I'm not eating and all this other crap. Let me just say, I feel as if my world is falling apart completely!

Sorry for blabbing about all my troubles. I just need to vent and maybe possibly have some "calming" words spoken to me and a little help. So Thank you! Peace!

The Epic Weekend

I had the most epic weekend I've had in a long time! Friday, you all heard about my date which was absolutly amazing! I had so much fun and realized alot of things about the past. I had missed Bryce like crazy but never really noticed until I saw him. He's hilarious and so easy to talk to and be around.
Saturday, I went to work. Scariest part of my weekend. I felt as if my life was on the line. I got a random call and they wouldn't tell me who they were and told me a bunch of stuff and kind of freaked me out. They told me that some guys would possibly be coming in and trying to get money out of his wifes account (which he's not on, so it's illegal for him to get money out of her account with out authorization), and would do ANYTHING in his power to get it. Knowing that someone would seriously try anything to get money, is kind of threatening. I was freaking out and crying and shaking like no other. I couldn't stop, I had a hard time breath. I was scared to death. Everytime I would hear the door open or see a man walking down the hallway, I would tense up and get a sick feeling in my stomach. Luckily he never came in! Thank goodness! Then I get a call from my boss saying that the Alarm was going off and I had to go back and check on it...uhhh HELLO after the experience I had I don't think so! Well I went back anyway and it was just a "setting error". Stupid stupid stupid.
Then, later that night I went and played dodgeball with all my friends- not going to lie, I'm really sore today. My shoulder kills. Hahaha. It was so fun though, I had a blast and Looooove that game! Then Kristin and I decided to just go on a drive and talk about alot of stuff that's been going on lately. I then remember looking at Facebook and seeing all these pictures of the events that people have been doing this past week....I turned to Kristin and asked if she'd been invited to any of these activities and she said No. We both were a little irritated because we don't get invited to anything anymore. We realize that we both work alot and Kristin has school on top of it, and I'm in the proccess of looking for another job, but not getting invited to things even though they know we're busy is just crap. We always invite people when we do things and am always calling people to see what they're doing, but they either don't answer or not doing anything. The days they are doing things, they don't even think about contacting either of us. Have we done something wrong, offended anyone, not good enough to hang out with you people? What's the deal her because it kinda sucks knowing that we're about the only ones not getting invited to things. A little explination here would be nice maybe?!

Anyway, so as we were driving around, I got a phone call from Bryce and his friend Jay. They wanted us to come over and hang out with them in Ogden. It sounded kinda fun so we took a drive down there and hung out with them for a while! Ohhhh my, It was very interesting and kind of ..awkward for both of us. I still feel bad for Kristin and I've apologized so many times. Hahaha I kinda brought her into an environment that neither of us needed to be in, but we had NO IDEA it was going to be like that. We still ended up having a lot of fun sitting by the fire and talking to the guys. We left their place and came back to mine and stayed up for an hour about watching random TV shows and laughing our heads off because we were so tired but so hyper. It was about 2:30 and we decided to go to bed. We woke up the next morning and both moaned because we did not want to wake up.....soooo we didnt. hahaha It was hilarious and everything we said in the morning made no sense what so ever.
Thank you so much baby for a fabulous weekend!! It was totally epic and we have plaaaans for our future events hhahahahahahahahahahaha (you know what I mean). Oh goodness.

Anyway, I'm still kind of hung up on the whole "we not getting invited" thing. Eh, whatever I just kind of see it as BS. So thanks everyone!

I was beyond nervous

for my date last night. I mean, seeing someone who you had a "fling" with two years ago, having things end in an awkward manner, not seeing them for two years and finally deciding to meet up is kind of scary. Or is it just me? Bryce and I met at a party one night and we ended up having an intrest in each other for quite some time. Then things ended on a bad note. I wasn't devistated at all. I would avoid him at all costs and lie to him so I wouldn't have to hang out with him. For these past couple of months, Bryce and I have been texting and calling each other and catching up on old times. We decided last week that we would meet up this Friday and go on a date. So we did. I never realized how much I actually missed him. Yes, we are just friends now and nothing more. Nothing will ever become more of us because we are two different people now, but have decided to stay really good friends. It was so nice to see him and just be able to catch up and talk about what happend between us and get a full understanding of how the other feels. Getting connected with someone who you used to be so close to and then fell apart can be a pretty amazing experience. Although I will admit, I was freaking out before our little meet up. I text Samir and Brady and asked Anthony on facebook, if they were to of had a "fling" with me two years ago, and havn't seen me since, would they be disappointed in the way I turned out? Would they of thought that I turned out for the good or the bad? Suprisingly, all of them said they wouldn't be disappointed, which was a relief. Brady made me cry with the things that he said because they were so sweet and at the moment, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Sounds pathetic I know. I talked to Kristin telling her how I felt as if my stomach was going to explode because I had the butterflies like crazy. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't think straight, I danced around all night as if I had ants crawling all over my body. Haha it was pretty funny.

On our date, we went to the Planiterium (spelling?). It was pretty awesome- Strange, but awesome. We laughed pretty much the whole night, and then we were trying to decide what to do next, buuut wouldn't figure out anything so we just went back to my house. We watched a couple of videos on YouTube, joked around and listened to music. It was the cutest thing- a "romantic" song- as you will - came on my Itunes and he walked out into the middle of the floor, taking my hand and we slow danced to the song..well only for about a minute because we both realized how cheesy it was. To be honest, I enjoyed it. I've never had someone do that with me before and it was pretty darn cute. He left my house around 1:30 and I ended up going to sleep. It was an awesome night, alot better then what I had expected.

So I'm sitting here at work. By myself. It's pretty boring. I came here with the intentions of writing this long blog because I had so much to talk about. My mind has gone blank. Plans for tonight? Well there are none. Everybody seems to be going to the Utes game, which I am excited for all of them to go to, and I hope we kick the trash out of UNLV. They don't deserve to win. So anyway, if you don't have plans tonight, let me know and I'll hit you up and we can playyy!? If I don't have plans tonight, I should actually stay home and clean up the house and my ROOM!! It's a disaster I must say, which is unusal because My room is a pretty clean place most of the time. I am just never home anymore to keep it that way. Bleeeeh. If you want to play though, You should still hit me up!
Wait Wait Wait.....there is one thing I am doing tonight which I am SOOOO EXCITED FOR!!!
SLEEP OVER WITH BESTIE!!!!!!!!!! I have so much to tell her!!! Oh my goodness! Hahaha

Oh, so yesterday while I was at work, this doctor came in and started asking me questions about all my peace signs that I wear. Then she asked me if I was voting for Obama..uuhhh, first off I hate talking politics with people because they sit there and judge you for who you're voting for, it turns out to be a huge argument between the two if you're not voting for the same person and it's not something I believe your own personal opinion should be kept to yourself. I'll be honest, I havn't done much research on either sides, but I will eventually. I kind of have an Idea of who I would like to vote for and I have my many reasons for doing so. There's just a few things about the other Canidate that drives me insane and makes me believe that he has no respect for our Country. Anyway, This doctor kept rambling on about how Obama is the best canidate for this reason and that reason, and just kept going on and on and on. She made me feel like a freaking loser because I am leaning more towards Mccain. I finally told her that I don't feel like discussing politics because it's none of her buisness who I am voting for and my reasons of doing so. If you feel like asking who I am voting for- warning, You'll get the same response as she did. I'm not going to tell you and discuss it with you. I will admit, I love Anthony's idea of having Godzilla as our president..baaahhahahah just kidding.

Well that's all for now. I have to get back to work. Love you. Peace

A Perfect Two Thumbs Up!

No Idea why that is going to be the title for this blog, but it is. Last night Kristin and I went out to dinner and every sentence ended with "a perfect two thumbs up", or something close to that. Ha, it was pretty funny. We talked about alot of things and caught up on these past few weeks since we havn't seen each other for about that long. She made me this amazingly awesome bracelt that I absolutly looooove! Thanks baby, I love you most no battle -Suuuuucka face *squirmy dance*. Bahhhahaha
I went to California this weekend and had an amazing time. I helped my cousins do alot of stuff to their new house and went swimming in their poool and drove around in downtown LA. I saw Batman and Barney-Bahhhhahahaha yes they just walk around the streets there- no joke. I sent a picture to a few of you who witnessed my Barney seeing, so I'm not making this up. I had the chance to see Wicked again. Favorite and Best musical of allllll time! That was my 3rd time seeing now and still not sick of it! We went shopping the day that we came home and I found me some Bright orange Neon converse. Pretty much the tightest convers ever. You have to see them!

It was nice to get away. I had the chance to clear my head and get away from having a sick stomach and not being happy and having tears just flow and flow and flow all down my face. I did something stupid last week that I shouldn't have. I deleted the last blog I wrote because it offended certain people and they yelled at me.....and because of it, I am no longer a part of their life. At all. Yes I'm torn apart because of it, but it was their decision and I can't do anything to stop it. The day they told me that they didn't want me apart of their life, I locked myself in my room after I got home from work, cried my eyes out for hours upon hours, didn't say a word to a single soul besides Kristin because she called me to make sure I was ok - Thanks again love. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I just sat there curled up in my orange blanket and cried. Ugh, I still cry over it because I feel so empty inside as if there is nothing inside of me and I don't even feel or hear my own heart beating. I realized how stupid and retarded I am for writing that. I just want to smack myself in the face. Losing a relationship that was so important to me, is hard. I'm filled with sorrw and filled with pain, knowing that I am to blame. He decided to walk away, leaving me with the price to pay. All I can say now is I'm sorry.

In just an hour, I am going to Dye my hair. I'm putting blonde back in it. I'll take pictures and post them. I'm soo nervous but soo excited for something new! I need a new change! I have to pee. Just thought I'd share! So I'm going on a date this friday with an old friend named Bryce. We've been friends for two years and had a little "fling" I guess you can call it. I'm exciiiited! It will be nice to be reunited with an old friend! Bah. Well I'm gonna go pee now. Peeeeace!

The Bees Game

Oh my, it was the Highlight of my week! I was really happy I was able to go. Brady called me up on friday night and asked me if I could go, and at first I had to tell him no because I was supposed to pick my parents up at the airport on Saturday night. Well I called up my mom and asked if I could go, and she said yes. So I called Brady back and we ended up going. BAhhahahahaha those little things they call "thunder sticks" that make the loud noise when you bang them together- well brady and I should not be allowed to have those. We didn't stop hitting each other All night long. Haha the people around us were getting pretty annoyed but we obviously didn't care. Then again, I don't care what people think at all. I think I won the battle though, Brady kinda slacked off a little bit. Though when I kept smacking him in the face, he ended up Wet wiping me...........ugggghhh it was disgusting haha. We tried getting Dip n' Dots for free..that didn't work out too well, but boy were they good. Oh, we also had free dinner. It was nice haha. So thanks for last night Brady, I had a blast!!! PS----We should go to Bear lake the weekend of the 12th and 13th hahaha .
Anyway, My parents got home from Cali last night, they had an amazing time and I did miss them. They bought me a Dodgers sweatshirt and all this Peace stuff etc. It's pretty tight, I am glad to have them home though.
I havn't seen much of Kristin this week, and now she starts school...hmm. I don't like it. I miss her, and I have something for her, but since she's starting school tomorrow I'm not sure how often I'll actually get to see her. :(
Rosie- I hope you had a good birthday baby!! And I do hope to hear all about NY one day. Love you!
Ali and Mckenzie- Expect a visit from me and possibly Kristin sometime soooon , we both miss you sooooooo much!!! We need to see your darling faces! Love you girls!
Jocelyn baby girl- where are you!?!?! It's been like a month since I've seen you and that's not acceptable! Call me love because I miss your face!!!
Anyway, that's the highlight of my weekend. It was..a pretty uneventful week besides I was at the IHC for who knows how long becaues I had a Major ear ache. I cried pretty much all day. Oh well, it's all better now!
Love you all! Peace